1. Today I will create a crisis situation so I can feel really alive.

2. Today I will start a research project only so I can later abandon it because of my perfectionistic standards.

3. Today I will purposely fuel my students' worst fears.

4. One of my goals for the year will be complete independence from everyone, and on all levels.

5. Today I will work to lower my students' self-esteem.

6. Today I will dissasociate from my colleagues.

7. Today I will distrust each of my students on an individual basis.

8. Today I will tell my students that phrenology is the dominant psychological movement of the day.

9. Today I will require my students to purchase at least one product that wreaks havoc on the environment.

10. I am entitled to the admiration I inspire.

11. Today I will hang up on a student when the conversation bores me; later, I will say that the phone inexplicably disconnected.

12. Today I will use sesquipedalian words to intimidate my students.

13. Today I will teach my student what irony means by giving them a quiz while popping popcorn.

14. Today I will play devil's advocate in class simply to annoy my students.

15. I am surrounded by well-meaning little idiots.

16. Today I will permit no talking during class discussion.

17. I will laugh at a student today.

18. Today I will remind students that Albert Bandura is a friend of mine.

19. Sometimes, my email messages disappear if they are thoroughly ignored long enough.

20. I have a right to change my students into who I want them to be.

21. Today I will deliver my lecture starting from the end and working my way to the beginning.

22. Unlike my students, I serve a purpose.

23. Today I will practice a random act of unkindness on the weakest student in the class.

24. Today I will develop a new and unhealthy communication technique.

25. It is my inalienable right to wreak havoc in the lives of my students.

26. Today I will show my students how rote memorization is the key to understanding.

27. My fatigue is eternal.

28. Today I will give my students an exam with questions taken exclusively from the text's footnotes.

29. There are no stupid questions. There are only stupid students.

30. Today I will show my students how the Socratic Method is nothing more than a well-disguised lecture.

31. Regardless of what my students say, my tendency to overreact and lose all perspective makes me an interesting professor.

32. Today I will teach Gilligan's In a Different Voice while calling only on the boys in the class.

33. Everyone should change their schedules to accommodate me.

34. Power is the only thing any of us have; therefore, I must hold on to it at all costs.

35. Fooling my students is infinitely more important than teaching them to think.

36. During office hours, I will read a book while students communicate their emotional needs to me.

37. Today I will insist that my students adopt a fixed view of intelligence.

38. Today I will point out to my doctoral students that in a fraction of the time it takes them to write a dissertation proposal, Thomas Jefferson conceptualized, drafted, finalized, and signed the Declaration of Independence.

39. Today I will explain to students that the term "agency" is merely a cognitive psychologist's way of admitting that there is a Ghost in the Machine.

40. The next time I have insomnia, I will crank call a colleague who has hurt me.

41. Today I will spend class reading my latest article outloud, including tables and references.

42. My tests are objective. I'm not.

43. Today I will be derisive toward a colleague who is trying to be helpful.

44. Today I will lecture on the ZPD without telling my students what the letters stand for.

45. Daily quizzes are the stuff of life.

46. I will spy on my colleagues today.

47. Today I will create boundaries simply to shut my students out.

48. Today I will call all my female students "Buffy" and all my male students "Biff."

49. Today I will respond to all questions with "You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth!!!"

50. When I get bored in class, I will verbally abuse a student.

51. Today I will answer each of my students' questions with a more difficult question.

52. Correlation is nearly always causation.

53. Today I will begin every sentence of my lecture with "And you can count that this will be on the final."

54. My life is harder than the lives of my students; therefore, I deserve praise for every little thing I do.

55. Today I will make extravagant promises to my students; I will then follow through on nothing.

56. If my students did the emotional work they needed to do, they would be better able to deal with my cruelty.

57. Today I will allow my inner child to frolic by playing a prank on a student with low self-esteem.

58. I am aging very well.

59. Today I will call only on students who lower their head and fidget when I ask a question.

60. As part of the self-efficacy unit I will show slides of train wrecks on mountains.

61. Today I will remind my students that the hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in time of great moral crisis, abandon their neutrality.

62. I must incessantly talk, talk, talk, talk; otherwise my students may forget that I'm around.

63. Today I will patronize my department chair.

64. I have a right to whine.

65. Today I will pick on the brightest student in the class.

66. Money is more important than teaching.

67. Today I will explain to my students that my dog ate their graded term papers.

68. To get the attention I so rightly deserve, today I will wear my Freudian slippers.

69. Today I will require my students to read a chapter from which pivotally important pages have been removed.

70. Today I will test my students on the contents of the missing pages.

71. I will nurture my students' insecurities and fears on this day.

72. Today I will set a student up for failure.

73. To illustrate sampling techniques, I will lower the self-efficacy of a student selected at random.

74. Today I will remind my students that cooperative learning is for insecure people who aren't capable of doing things on their own.

75. Today I will fight grade inflation by giving a quiz on next week's assignment.

76. Today I will take credit for a students' work.

77. I am God's gift to education.

78. Repeat: Students are the enemy, students are the enemy, students are the enemy ...

79. Today I will explain to my students why it is that they will be forever trapped in a foreclosed identity status with no hope of escape.

80. Today during class discussion I will respond to every student comment with "You think?"

81. Today I will remind my students that I have tenure.

82. Today I will make a desperate and impulsive decision that will powerfully influence a student's life.

83. Today I will employ a handwriting expert to track down the identities of students who wrote critical comments on my teaching evaluations.

84. My needs are more important than the needs of my students.

85. Today I will remind students that Paulo Freire drove a BMW.

86. The ethic of justice is superior.

87. As a tribute to Freud, today I will displace on my students, act out when they object, rationalize my behavior as rigorous professional development, deny any damage I may cause, and sublimate by drawing naughty pictures on the SmartBoard.

88. It is okay to lie to my students as long as it benefits me in the long run.

89. Today I will talk my students into self-disclosing their emotional buttons so that I may push them at a convenient time.

90. Tonight I will awaken precisely at 3 a.m., at which point I will obsess about my research productivity.

91. Today I will explain to my students why in psychology the baby must always be thrown out with the bath water.

92. Today I will remind students that it is never okay to ask for help; one must do everything on one's own to ensure it is done correctly.

93. Today, instead of taking a nap, I will lie in bed and make a mental list of each of my colleagues' imperfections.

94. Never forgive. Never forgive. Never forgive. Repeat.

95. Today I will have my students chant "We are all products of our reinforcement history." I will reward them with cheese puffs.

96. Today I will begin class by reminding myself that my students are jealous of my genius.

97. My genius is exceeded only by my humility.

98. Doctoral students are oversensitive, underperforming, insecure crybabies.

99. Today I will blame a student for my mistake.

100. Today I will sigh deeply for no apparent reason.

101. Today I will criticize behaviorism while simultaneously shaping my students using classical and operant conditioning methods.

102. Today I will fail any student who does not know William James' birthday.

103. Nothing I do is my fault.

104. On the day before Spring Break I will assign a major project due the day after Spring Break.

105. Today I will remind my graduating seniors that we are in the midst of the worst job market since the Great Depression.

106. I give myself permission to diffuse my students' emerging identity.

107. Today I will make it a point to sigh heavily during my students' presentations, then deny anything is wrong when they ask.

108. Without pain and regret, my students would be emotionally numb.

109. Today during class I will invalidate Vygotsky's contribution to education for the simple reason that he was Russian.

110. Today I will deliver my lecture in mime.

111. My Truths all come with capitals.

112. I accept my students for what they are—materialistically driven little illiterates.

113. Today I will invalidate the feelings and perceptions of an insecure student.

114. I would reject the validity of IQ scores if mine wasn't quite so high (since you asked, 225).

115. Today I will remind my students that there will be an exam late Wednesday afternoon the day before Thanksgiving.

116. Nature trumps nurture every time.

117. Today I will help my students realize that the light at the end of the tunnel is merely a reflection from the fires of hell.

118. Today I will look back on my years in academe and remind myself of how perfect I am in comparison to all my colleagues.

119. Everything is black and white.

120. Nothing is black and white.

121. I am only wrong when I fail to acknowledge that I am right.

122. Ignore me at your peril.