What the professor says: in quotes
What it means: plain text
First day of class
"Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation."
I'll be fudging your grades.
"My office hours are by appointment only."
I like to get out of here early.
"Bring the text to class."
I don't have a clue how to lecture - we'll just kill time with group read-alongs.
"Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade."
I'm so boring, no one would show up otherwise.
"The tests will all be multiple-choice."
I take questions directly from the study guide, and have grad students do all my grading.
"Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations."
This course is outside my specialty - I'll just bluff it and let you teach.
"There are two TAs available to help you."
I can't be bothered.
"The second list is optional reading."
I have a rich fantasy life.
During lectures
"Before we begin the lecture for today, are there any questions about the previous material?"
Has anyone opened the book yet?
"Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience."
I stayed out too late last night and didn't have time to prepare a lecture.
"Today we are going to discuss a most important topic."
Today we are going to discuss my dissertation.
"The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important."
I don't understand the details either.
"You'll have to see me during my office hours for a thorough answer to your question."
I don't know.
"In answer to your question, you must recognize that there are several disparate points of view."
I really don't know.
"The implications of this study are clear."
I don't know what it means, either, but there'll be a question about it on the test.
"Unfortunately, we haven't the time to consider all of the people who made contributions to this field."
I disagree with what roughly half of the people in this field have said.
"We'll have to cover this chapter quickly."
I screwed up on the lecture schedule.
"Any questions?"
I'm ready to let you go.
During tests
"Don't write on the question sheet."
I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every semester.
"The test scores were generally good."
Some of you managed a B.
"Let's go over the exam."
Half of you failed.
"Well, it was on the syllabus."
You're responsible for this, even though I forgot about it myself.
"It was in the textbook."
I pulled it out of my ass.
The last day
"It's been very rewarding to teach this class."
I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.