Graduate School HumorAfter spending all that time with seriousness, we must take out a few moments for laughter. Besides, there is much one may discover about graduate studies just by noting the things graduate students think are funny. Here then 1are just a few of the best jokes that tend to circulate. Oh, and if you've never heard them, I made them all up myself. Really.
And on a separate page, somewhat more serious and even... enlightening! Return to top of page TOP 10 REASONS TO GO TO GRADUATE SCHOOL10. You want to use up money left on your copy card. 9. You've gotten used to being poor and you're starting to like it. 8. You like studying subjects so specific that there are only five other people in the world to discuss them with. 7. Two words: Real World. 6. All the number 2 pencils you want, free! 5. Because it's more fun to dish out the grades as a TA than it is to get them. 4. You can't spell "philodendron" without a PhD. 3. So when all of your friends go out and get jobs and have real lives and money you can say, "Yes, but do you have a subscription to the Chronicle of Higher Education?'" 2. One more chance to take a standardized test! 1. Your parents changed the locks. Return to top of page REJECTING A REJECTION LETTERApril 29, 1998 Herbert A Millington Dear Professor Millington, Thank for your letter of April 16. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me admission to your department. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite W.M.U.'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will join the ranks of graduate students in your department this September. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future applicants. Sincerely, [your name here] Return to top of page TOP TEN LIES TOLD BY GRADUATE STUDENTS 1. "My job prospects look really good." Return to top of page THE SUPERIORITY OF RABBITS OVER FOXES AND WOLVESOne sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her. "I am going to eat you for lunch!" said the fox. "Wait!" replied the rabbit. "You should at least wait a few days." "Oh yeah? Why should I wait?" "Well, I am just finishing my thesis on The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves." "Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit." "Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch." "You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out. A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her. "Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now." "And why might that be, my furry appetizer?" "I am almost finished writing my thesis on The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves." The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit. "Maybe I shouldn't eat you; you really are sick ... in the head. You might have something contagious." "Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you disagree Awith my conclusions." So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole ... and never came out. The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy." "Yup, I just finished my thesis." "Congratulations. What's it about?" "The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves." "Are you sure? That doesn't sound right." "Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself." So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion. The morals of the tale?
GRADUATE SCHOOL: THE GAME!Hey kids, check out the cool new game that's sweeping the nation! Be the first on your block to own a copy of Graduate School: The Game from TenureCo, the makers of such classics as "Rush Hour Madness," "My First Blue Book Exam," "Little Lawyer," and "Johnny Tax Auditor." With Graduate School: The Game you can experience all the fun and realism of grad school in the comfort of your own home. Every nuance of the real graduate experience is reproduced in this game. The game takes you through the whole process:
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To name just a few! Different Ways to Finish Most games are boring. They have a "winner" and a bunch of "losers." The goal of Graduate School: The Game is different. There are no winners in grad school; only survivors and failures. Your goal is to be a survivor, that means different things to different people. There are a wide range of ways to survive:
Graduate School: The Game -- Look for it in stores near you! Joke found at http://www-personal.umich.edu/~smueller/HappyHour/game.html
TOP FIVE LIES TOLD BY TEACHING FELLOWS 1. "My other section is much better prepared than this
one."
UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORMTo: Professor _________________________ I think my grade in your course should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:
______7. I'll lose my scholarship. ______8. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam. ______9. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam. _____10. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact. _____11. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles. _____12. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did. _____13. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did. _____14. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance. _____15. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done. _____16. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull. _____17. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade. _____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course. _____19. Other ______________________________ Return to top of page STUDENT SEEKS GOOD GRADEA graduate teaching assistant is in his cubicle conducting office hours when a voluptuous female student walks in. Not the best of students, she seems, uh... remarkably eager to improve her performance. "I would do anything to pass this exam," she says, leaning closer to him. She flips back her hair seductively, gazing meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do anything." He looks at her, perplexed. "Anything?" "Anything," she repeats. The graduate assistant smiles. He leans forward, pressing his mouth just behind her ear. He whispers, "Would you .. study?" Return to top of page YOU MIGHT BE A GRADUATE STUDENTFunny responses completing this statement are probably as plentiful as the well-known "You might be a redneck if..." jokes. Here is a compilation of all the versions I have yet found -- or at least, found funny (and yet true-to life). YOU MIGHT BE A GRADUATE STUDENT IF... …everything reminds you of something in your discipline. …you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event. …you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper. …there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours." …you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche. …you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library. …you look forward to summers because you can study more productively without the distraction of classes. …you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.. …you consider all papers to be works in progress. …professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore. …you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text. …you have give up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area. …you have accepted guilt as inherent feature of relaxation. …you find yourself explaining to children that you're "in 20th grade." …you start referring to things in Latin phrasing, as in "Snow White et al" …you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy. …you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry. …you have more photocopy cards than credit cards. …you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate. …your carrel is better decorated than your apartment. …you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read. …you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar. …you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop. …you wonder whether APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication." ...you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels. ...you have difficulty reading anything that doesn't have footnotes. ...you understand jokes about Foucault. ...you consider caffeine to be a major food group. ...you've ever brought books with you on vacation and actually studied. ...Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird. ...the professor doesn't show up to class and you discuss the readings anyway. ...you've ever traveled across two state lines specifically to go to a library. ...you still feel guilty about giving students low grades. ...you can read course books and cook at the same time. ...you schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can come. ...you hope it snows during Spring Break so you can get more studying in. ...you find taking notes in a park relaxing. ...you find yourself citing sources in conversation. ...you've ever sent a personal letter with footnotes. ...your glasses prescription is 3x stronger than it was a year ago and you have carple tunnel syndrome because 90% of your time is in front of the computer or reading. ...8% of your time is spent in class. ...2% of your time is divided among eating, sleeping, shopping, TV, laundry, and socializing. ...you use words that only the people in your classes can understand. ...some of those continuing education classes sound interesting. ...the last time you watched TV, Brenda was still on 90210 and McGuiver was making bombs out of duct tape. ...an exciting trip is when you run errands with your roommate. ...you utter the words, "School comes before sex." ...free time is taken up by studying. ...the last fiction book you read, outside of class/rec reading, was "Flowers In the Attic." ...studying keeps you awake. ...a complete dinner might be a bagel with cream cheese and a diet coke. ...your bill for xeroxing exceeds your phone bill. ...a full night of sleep is 4 hours and a 2 hour nap mid afternoon. ...the last time you worked out, women were wearing little rope headbands and legwarmers. ...if you actually do workout, you have mastered the art of studying while on the bike or stairmaster. ...the food groups are ramen, caffeine, Subway, bagels, and the occasional delivery. ...when you tell people your thesis topic, they blink repeatedly and purse their lips while attempting not to burst out laughing. ...you consider Spring Break a time to get some work done on that paper you want to submit. ...you have an academic/professional text that you think is cool because you got the author to sign it. ...you consider cooking and cleaning your apartment leisurely breaks from real work. ...5:00 p.m. Friday means you are now scheduled to work for the next 48 hours. ...you have every minute of the next four months planned out but have no idea what you are going to do for the rest of your life. ...your friends and family become concerned because although you can now recite, word for word, the most popular theories in your field, you have lost all semblance of common sense. Return to top of page MAs vs. PhDsTen MA's and ten PhDs went to a meeting by train. The MAs each had their own ticket, but the PhDs -- who have little money, of course -- had only one ticket between them. The MAs asked the PhDs, "How are you going to manage with only one ticket?" "Just watch." replied the PhDs. They all got on the train and the ten MAs took their seats and handed their tickets to the conductor. Meanwhile, the PhDs all piled into a bathroom. When the conductor came by, a single arm reached out and gave him the ticket. The MAs, feeling enlightened, decided to try the same thing on the way home, so they purchased just one ticket between the ten of them. The PhDs bought no ticket at all. "How are you going to get home?" asked the MAs. "Just watch." replied the PhDs. When they get on the train, all the MAs piled into a bathroom and nine of PhDs got into another bathroom. The tenth PhD then knocked on the MAs' bathroom door and said "Ticket please." Out came a single arm to hand over the ticket. The moral of the story? Don't use a technique unless you thoroughly understand the principle. Return to top of page 101 THINGS (NOT) TO DO AT YOUR THESIS DEFENSEWritten by Peter Dutton, Jim Lalopoulos, Alison Berube, and Jeff Cohen, graduate students extraordinaire 1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem..." 2) Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee. 3) "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question. 4) Interpretive dance. 5) "Musical accompaniment provided by..." 6) Stage your own death/suicide. 7) Lead the specters in a Wave. 8) Have a sing-a-long. 9) "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?" 10) "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Herodotus..." 11) Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors from sitting in. 12) Puppet show. 13) Group prayer. 14) Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld. 15) Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc. 16) "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!" 17) Imitate Groucho Marx. 18) Mime. 19) Hold a Tupperware party. 20) Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads. 21) "Everybody rumba!!" 22) "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..." 23) Charge a cover and check for ID. 24) "In protest of our government's systematic and brutal oppression of minorities..." 25) "Anybody else as drunk as I am?" 26) Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics... 27) Use a Super Soaker to point at people. 28) Surreptitiously fill the room with laughing gas. 29) Door prizes and a raffle. 30) "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..." 31) "And now, a word from our sponsor..." 32) Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter. 33) Whine piteously, beg, cry... 34) Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin. 35) The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...") 36) Table dance (you or an exotic dancer). 37) Fashion show. 38) "Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..." 39) "I'd like to thank the Academy..." 40) Minstrel show (blackface, etc.). 41) Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund. 42) Pass the collection basket. 43) Two-drink minimum. 44) Black tie only. 45) "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew walked into a bar..." 46) Incite a revolt. 47) Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building. 48) Release a flock of doves. 49) Defense by proxy. 50) "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..." 51) Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about. 52) "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..." 53) "Professor Robinson, will you marry me?" 54) Bring your pet boa. 55) Tell ghost stories. 56) Do a "show and tell". 57) Food fight. 58) Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional. 59) Halftime show. 60) "Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!" 61) "OK - which one of you farted?" 62) Rimshot. 63) Sell those big foam "We're number #1" hands. 64) Pass out souvenir matchbooks. 65) 3-ring defense. 66) "Tag - you're it!" 67) Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, making sure that it gets on the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion. 68) Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to (Made-up non-existent room number)" 69) Hang a piņata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band. 70) Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks. 71) Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me, Professors X,Y, and Z" - BEFORE your defense happens. 72) Have a make-your-own-sundae table. 73) Make committee members wear silly hats. 74) Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the spectators. 75) Do a soft-shoe routine. 76) Throw a masquerade defense, complete with bobbing for apples and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey. 77) Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points. 78) "The responsorial psalm can be found on page 124 of the thesis..." 79) Tap dance. 80) Vaudeville. 81) "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'. You're out." 82) Flex and show off those massive pecs. 83) Dress in top hat and tails. 84) Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire. 85) Detonate a small nuclear device in the room. Or threaten to. 86) Shadow puppets. 87) Show slides of your last vacation. 88) Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps. 89) Same as #88, but instead of a tape recorder, go around the room making a different person read the pre-written text for each picture. 90) "OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave." 91) Call your advisor "sweetie". 92) Have everyone pose for a group photo. 93) Instant replay. 94) Laugh maniacally. 95) Talk with your mouth full. 96) Start speaking in tongues. 97) Explode. 98) Implode. 99) Spontaneously combust. 100) Answer every question with a question. 101) Moon everyone in the room. Return to top of page CLASSROOM LINGO What the professor says (in quotes) First day of class "Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation."
"My office hours are by appointment only." "Bring the text to class." "Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade."
"The tests will all be multiple-choice." "Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations." "There are two TAs available to help you." "The second list is optional reading." During lectures "Before we begin the lecture for today, are there any questions
about the previous material?" "Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It
will be a good educational experience." "Today we are going to discuss a most important topic."
"The gist of what the author is saying is what's most
important." "You'll have to see me during my office hours for a thorough
answer to your question." "In answer to your question, you must recognize that there are
several disparate points of view." "The implications of this study are clear." "Unfortunately, we haven't the time to consider all of the people
who made contributions to this field." "We'll have to cover this chapter quickly." "Any questions?" During tests "Don't write on the question sheet." "The test scores were generally good." "Let's go over the exam." "Well, it was on the syllabus." "It was in the textbook." The last day "It's been very rewarding to teach this
class." Return to top of page THE VISITING PROFESSOROne day, a well-known professor was hit by a bus and tragically killed. Her soul was ushered directly up to heaven. There she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, his hand raised up in apology. "Uh, before you get settled in," he greeted, "it seems we have a problem. Strangely enough, a professor has never made it this far and we're not sure what to do." "No problem," said the professor, "Just let me in!" "Unfortunately, we have different orders," came the reply. "The Big Man on Campus wants you to have a choice. So, first you'll spend a day in Hell; then you'll spend a day in Heaven. After that, you'll have to decide where you want to spend eternity." "Actually," the professor insisted, "I won't be needing the visits to decide. Though Hell might offere more exciting possibilities for my research, I'm sure I'd prefer Heaven!" "Sorry, but I have orders," said St. Peter. With that, the scholar found herself in an elevator going down-down-down to Hell. When the doors opened, she stepped into a beautiful seminar room. Down the hall was a lavishly-appointed lounge, complete with a small-but-useful reference library. Standing in front of her were many former colleagues, a veritable "Who's Who" of the intellectual world. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times. Invigorating discourse ensued, with fine theoretical arguments about postmodernism and epistemology, along with an excellent steak and lobster dinner at the Faculty Club. There the visiting professor met the Devil, a rather nice guy somewhat resembling Michel Foucault. Everyone talked and joked into the wee hours of the morning. And before she knew it, it was time for the professor to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator and went up-up-up to the Pearly Gates. "Now," said St. Peter, "it's time to spend a day in Heaven." With that, the professor was ushered into a world among the clouds, playing the harp and singing with joyful voice all the day long. There was food aplenty and cherubs dancing all around. It was wonderful, so wonderful in fact that before she knew it, her 24 hours in Heaven were up. St. Peter arrived and asked the professor for her decision. The professor paused . "I never thought I'd say this, but though Heaven has been absolutely great, I really think I could have a better intellectual life in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the scholar went down-down-down to Hell. But when the doors of the elevator opened she found herself in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her colleagues dressed in rags picking up garbage to eat. They barely paused in their work long enough to grumble about their troubles and disparage her research as second-rate. When the Devil arrived, the professor cried. "I don't understand! Yesterday I was here and there was a library and a faculty club. We had lobster, talked about my research, and all seemed to have a great time together. Now all I find is this wasteland and a bunch of discontented colleagues who don't appreciate my work at all!" The Devil grinned. "That's because yesterday we were interviewing you. Today, you're faculty." Return to top of page HOW TO SPEAK AND WRITE POSTMODERNby Stephen Katz, Associate Professor, Sociology Trent University, Peterborough, Canada Postmodernism has been the buzzword in academia for the last decade. Books, journal articles, conference themes and university courses have resounded to the debates about postmodernism that focus on the uniqueness of our times, where computerization, the global economy and the media have irrevocably transformed all forms of social engagement. As a professor of sociology who teaches about culture, I include myself in this environment. Indeed, I have a great interest in postmodernism both as an intellectual movement and as a practical problem. In my experience there seems to be a gulf between those who see the Postmodern turn as a neo-conservative reupholstering of the same old corporate trappings, and those who see it as a long overdue break with modernist doctrines in education, aesthetics and politics. Of course there are all kinds of positions in between, depending upon how one sorts out the optimum route into the next millennium. However, I think the real gulf is not so much positional as linguistic. Posture can be as important as politics when it comes to the intelligentsia. In other words, it may be less important whether or not you like postmodernism than whether or not you can speak and write postmodernism. Perhaps you would like to join in conversation with your local mandarins of cultural theory and all-purpose deep thinking, but you don't know what to say. Or, when you do contribute something you consider relevant, even insightful, you get ignored or looked at with pity. Here is a quick guide, then, to speaking and writing postmodern. 1. First, you need to remember that plainly expressed language is out of the question. It is too realist, modernist and obvious. Postmodern language requires that one uses play, parody and indeterminacy as critical techniques to point this out. Often this is quite a difficult requirement, so obscurity is a well-acknowledged substitute.
To speak postmodern properly one must master a bevy of biases besides the familiar racism, sexism, ageism, etc. For example, "phallogocentricism" (male-centredness combined with rationalistic forms of binary logic). Finally "affect us" sounds like plaid pajamas. Use more obscure verbs and phrases, like "mediate our identities."
2. Sometimes you might be in a hurry and won't have the time to muster even the minimum number of postmodern synonyms and neologisms needed to avoid public disgrace. Remember, saying the wrong thing is acceptable if you say it the right way. This brings me to a second important strategy in speaking postmodern -- which is to use as many suffixes, prefixes, hyphens, slashes, underlinings and anything else your computer (an absolute must to write postmodern) can dish out. Make a quick reference chart with three columns to avoid time delays. In column A put your prefixes: post-, hyper-, pre-, de-, dis-, re-, ex-, and counter-. In column B go your suffixes and related endings: -ism, -itis, -iality, -ation, -itivity, and -tricity. In column C add a series of well-respected names that make for impressive adjectives or schools of thought, for example, Barthes (Barthesian), Foucault (Foucauldian, Foucauldianism), Derrida (Derridean, Derrideanism).
Now for the test. You want to say or write something like, "Contemporary buildings are alienating." This is a good thought, but, of course, a non-starter. You wouldn't even get offered a second round of crackers and cheese at a conference reception with such a line. In fact, after saying this, you might get asked to stay and clean up the crackers and cheese after the reception. Go to your three columns.
Now, go to column C and grab a few names whose work everyone will agree is important and hardly anyone has had the time or the inclination to read. Continental European theorists are best when in doubt. I recommend the sociologist Jean Baudrillard since he has written a great deal of difficult material about postmodern space. Don't forget to make some mention of gender. Finally, add a few smoothing out words to tie the whole garbled mess together and don't forget to pack in the hyphens, slashes and parentheses.
3. At some point someone may actually ask you what you're talking about. This risk faces all those who would speak postmodern and must be carefully avoided. You must always give the questioner the impression that they have missed the point, and so send another verbose salvo of postmodernspeak in their direction as a "simplification" or "clarification" of your original statement. If that doesn't work, you might be left with the terribly modernist thought of, "I don't know." Don't worry, just say:"The instability of your question leaves me with several contradictorily layered responses whose interconnectivity cannot express the logocentric coherency you seek. I can only say that reality is more uneven and its (mis)representations more untrustworthy than we have time here to explore." Any more questions? No, then pass the cheese and crackers. Return to top of page WHY GOD WILL NEVER GET TENURE 1. He published only one book. Return to top of page |
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Copyright David T. Burrell, January 1999. All rights reserved.
Requests for reprints or republication may be submitted directly to Dave Burrell.