Getting In To Grad School - Grad School Humor

Republishing items in "Grad School Humor"

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 13:36:59 -0500

I came across your website and read many of your humorous quotes for graduate students. I am wondering if I could include several of the “You might be a graduate student if…” quotes in my newsletter. If so, how would you prefer that I cite your work (e.g., your name/year, website link)?

Jokes are bull

Sat, 20 May 2006 08:35:50 -0400

You joke humor on graduate schools is bullshit. Things like rationalizations of job prospects, pointless research, boredom, anti-social behaviour, pretending you got no job offers is only characterstic of people who developed no really interests and are still stuck trying to find ways to impress other people or compensate for being too stupid to juggle school and social interactions. They arent prepared for hire level work beacuse they are still hung up on stupid low level obsessions with the opposite sex and being accepted which is NOT the people that get into good school, work on useful projects, and therefore have the shitty experiences you talk about. Truely brilliant people can affectively juggle social and school Those people are just unintelligent. So they are still thinking they are impressing other people and not themselves. Stop projecting your shitty experience onto other peopel applying and are independantly excited and won't have the same! experience. You are just trying to unmotivate people into joining your misery boat and keep you company while you regret not experimenting and figuring our life when you had the chance and was holed up in room somewhere shoving books up your ass. You should acnowledge that that list applies to stupid, unadaptable, unmarketable morons who suffer from jealously, depression, and worthlessness because they are uninteresting people, which therefore hae uniteresting studies, which therefore is not funded by anyone, and they should be out at bars learning life instead of going for a title that means nothing. You should acknolwedge that there are exciting competitive grad schools that dont fall into this category. Sorry you and all your fucking stupid friends couldnt get into a good school that is enjoyable and a program that is worth your time.

Three Wishes

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 14:41:30 -0500

A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless."

Poof! He's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other."

Poof! He's gone.

Phrases Used In Research (and their real meanings)

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 14:18:09 -0500

This is the popular tool for reading research papers seen tacked up in offices, labs, and above copying machines everywhere. It has been reported to me that it originally appeared in a scientific journal article,

DIRECTORY OF USEFUL RESEARCH PHRASES
Research Phrase...
followed by its translation.

It has long been known...
I didn't look up the original reference.

A definite trend is evident...
These data are are practically meaningless.

Of great theoretical and practical importance...
Interesting to me.

While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions...

Daily Affirmations for Professors

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 04:43:02 -0500

1. Today I will create a crisis situation so I can feel really alive.

2. Today I will start a research project only so I can later abandon it because of my perfectionistic standards.

3. Today I will purposely fuel my students' worst fears.

4. One of my goals for the year will be complete independence from everyone, and on all levels.

5. Today I will work to lower my students' self-esteem.

6. Today I will dissasociate from my colleagues.

7. Today I will distrust each of my students on an individual basis.

8. Today I will tell my students that phrenology is the dominant psychological movement of the day.

How To Annoy Your Roommate

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 04:40:38 -0500

Things to Say and Do Guaranteed to Annoy Your College Roommate

1. Repeat thoughtfully the last word of everything your roommate says (e.g., Your roommate: "How are you doing today?" You: "Today . . . Today . . . ?")
2. Continuously refer to your roommate using terms of endearment (sweetcheeks, honeybuns). Slap him/her in the face if s/he ever does the same.
3. Kill several people. Store the corpses underneath your roommate's bed. Call the police.
4. Become Forrest Gump.
5. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
6. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.

What "PhD" Really Stands For...

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 04:37:14 -0500

What "PhD" Really Stands for...

* Patiently hoping for a Degree
* Piled higher and Deeper
* Professorship? hah! Dream on!
* Please hire. Desperate.
* Physiologically Deficient
* Pour him (or her) a Drink
* Philosophically Disturbed
* Probably headed for Divorce
* Pathetically hopeless Dweeb
* Probably heavily in Debt
* Parents have Doubts
* Professors had Doubts
* Pheromone Deprived
* Probably hard to Describe
* Patiently headed Downhill...
* Permanent head Damage
* Pulsating heaving Disaster?
* Pretty homely Dork
* Potential heavy Drinker
* Professional hamburger Dispenser